Oops. I broke me.

When you don't schedule maintenance time, your body will do it for you.

Ooops.

This is me in hospital two weeks ago.

I went to the doctor because I'd been light-headed for a few days.

The GP thought she heard an unusual heart rhythm, I couldn't walk for more than a few meters without almost passing out, they drove me in a ambulance to A&E, and then I found myself having two days stay in the hospital, in tears most of the time - half-worried I was going to die, half-worried about the client work I needed to do, half-worried about my children (despite them being safe and not even with me at the moment).

The doctors couldn't find anything wrong (which is both reassuring and frustrating).

The cardiologist saw me on Day 2.

"I think this is a vagal response - have you been under any stress recently?".

I burst out laughing, as he covered my chest in jelly to scan my heart.

A little, I said.

Vasovagal syncope (or fainting) happens when your nervous system overreacts, and you pass out from things like feeling anxiety or exhaustion or seeing needles.

And when this started - I was feeling anxious, I was exhausted, and I saw needles.

I gave blood - which started a series of episodes of light-headedness for over a week, which (4 weeks on), still haven't gone away yet.

I've been discharged now, a number of out-patient tests are planned to investigate further, and I've been prescribed with "lots of fluids, lots of rest and lifestyle changes to ‘reduce stress’".

My stressors, as a self-employed single parent: being self-employed and being a parent.

2024 was a horrific year, 2025 started out better - work had just picked up for me, but something tipped me over the edge, and has prevented me from doing that work.

My body has said "enough is enough", and forced me into stopping.

The irony here, of course, is that my biggest anxiety and stressors are income related (as is true for the majority of people, I'm sure). So reducing my stress levels by not working is counter-productive.

So, for us lot - the self-employed, when you get sick, unwell, unable to work - advice like "take some rest" can be hard to follow.

The problem is that it's not sustainable to avoid rest.

At some point, your body is going to force you to rest.

And when it's not on your terms, getting better, getting well, recovering is harder.

I know what has caused this.

I've effectively run myself into the ground.

I know all of the things I've not been doing to take care of myself.

I know I do too much, and don't take breaks, and am too hard on myself, and do things for free, and spread myself too thin, and and and and and don't listen to all of the advice I've been dishing out for years and years.

Doctors make the worst patients they say - perhaps mental health advocates are just as bad.

It makes me a huge hypocrite, I know - but the reason I started doing all the work I do in this space is because I was struggling, couldn't find anything to support me, so went about creating the scaffolding and support so that others wouldn't experience the same things, or hopefully help a few people avoid catastrophic breakdowns like this.

But there's a bigger story here, bigger than me - and the reality of the continual stress we find ourselves in when self-employed.

We have the stresses of delivering the work, chasing payment and dealing with poor communication, but also the constant stress of finding work, dealing with rejection, dealing with quiet periods, increased cost of living, being unable to take paid time off for rest or illness.

So many say “the future of work is freelance” - and this makes me fearful.

Not everyone is cut out for freelancing, more and more are being forced into self-employment - my prediction is this will only increase due to AI reducing perm workforces, and freelance work becoming a norm for more industries where hirers only need humans occasionally for complex or nuanced work, over automated busy work.

And without a support structure (because employed won't be providing it any more), what does that mean for the wellbeing of the population?

Add to that, that will mean fewer people on employer health insurance schemes, which is likely to place further burden on public health.

The longer term impacts are harder to track too - but we are already anecdotally seeing increases in work related burnout from the past five years of societal stress. The job market is a mess. The economic market is a mess. Things are stressful enough, yet alone for those of us who have to constantly find the next job, and perhaps don't have a support structure in place.

I hope you can see the importance of investing in your own wellbeing for the sustainability of your work, income and career.

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So, what next for me?

Yes, I'm terrified about income, because lying in bed doing nothing, without a salary or sick pay, is a harsh reality of self-employment.

But, I'm also terrified of not being able to continue to work - which is such an important part of who I am, and where I find meaning; and not being able to parent - which is the single most important thing to me.

I've started working on a very gentle plan to a) get back to a point where I can stand up without my body forcing me to lie-down again b) to reduce any effort which isn't providing me what is essential right now and c) committing to balancing my own needs with what I'm doing for others.

So, I need to radically redesign work (again) for myself.

To something more sustainable and supportive.

But not today.

Today is more rest.

And please, if you're feeling like you're burning the candle on both ends, and the wick is running low - do what you can to take care of yourself.

I know it's not easy out there right now, but it's even less easy when you're hooked up to ECGs and drips.

Take care of you.

mk

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Things I've seen whilst lying flat.

» Dont sweat the small stuff - it's deadly

» Right to choose might be going away - a lifeline for many using the NHS particularly those seeking diagnosis for neurodiverse conditions like ADHD and Autism

» Millions tune in to slow down, watching the moose migrate

» The impact of COVID lingers on, according to Mind UK data.